TORMENTED, BUT LONGING; I AM A MOTHER

TORMENTED, BUT LONGING; I AM A MOTHER

WAQAS KHAN

 Abra Begum’s hope is still alive, as she is waiting for her son to take her back in his life. She is still praying to heavens for the good being of her unfaithful son. She is longing to forgive him, for his acts that tormented her life and others, before she dies.

She belongs to a hamlet- Rajpora in Baramullah district-the north of Kashmir near Uri, around 130kms far from Srinagar. Abra Begum is an old woman-perhaps in 70s. I saw her near a grubby place from Bund side of Lal chowk. She was wearing Pheran. The pheran was having Qorabs- folding of the sleeves; this cultural attire indicated to me that she belongs to a good family. There was a dust on her face, looked as a slum woman. Her accent seemed that she dwells near to Gujjar community. Though, I became sure that she is not a Gujjar; by her clear rural Kashmiri language. Her husband Mohammad Shareef Mir died, when his son Ashfaq was 6 years old. She sacrificed her life for her son. She didn’t marry then after, as she thought that it will affect Ashfaq’s life. She faced every odd to foster him. She would go to forests to gather wood and feed her family. She would work in others fields to make some earning. She was eager for her son to get education. She never looked for her comfort. She troubled herself at all times to ease her son’s life. Ashfaq passed his matriculation, but afterwards he hampered his education by involving himself in some immoral activities. He had become a bellicose and a hooligan in his village. Abra was often being called up by the sarpanch of village for Ashfaqs mischief and immoral acts. Abra thought of getting him married. She thought that the marriage knot would make him responsible and serious about his life. Abra was still a lone earner of the family. She had always kept him as her only purpose of life. She was living a life where everything was confined to Ashfaq. She was losing her strength to work. She had to bare the expenses of Ashfaq, which was getting tough for her to manage now.  She was in 40s. She was not in situation to look for a relation of his son which would cost her much. She thought of getting her son married to her niece Noor Jan. Ashfaq got married at the age of 17. Abra took credit for Ashfaq’s marriage. She was in a big debt now; but she was very happy for her son. Ashfaq started to work as a conductor of a bus. He was managing the expenses of his family. It looked that marriage changed him to responsible person.

Abra said to me, “Those years were full of happiness and comfort for me. Ashfaq Jan was working. Noor Jan was handling domestic affairs. I was in complete rest, but then, I don’t know which evil eye did kill happiness of our family. One night, Ashfaq told me that he was going to Gulbagh-a village in Sopore for some work. For a week, he didn’t come back. And one night, a crowd approached our house with a huge hue and cry.

“Your son has eloped with my daughter” said an old man.

It was the girl’s father. I felt like, I should be burnt alive that night due to aversion I had to counter. Noor Jan felt unconscious. She had a son and a daughter that time and was expecting a third baby. I resolved that day; I would never forgive my son for such an act. After eight months, he came back to Rajpora with her newly married wife Jabeen. Jabeen’s family had already settled the issue with Ashfaq on a condition of living with her daughter and divorcing Noor Jan. Ashfaq didn’t come to ask for forgiveness, nor was he feeling his guilt. He didn’t ask about his daughter, who at his elopement with Jabeen, was in Noor Jan’s womb. He came to ask for land that I owned. I gave him the whole land, knowing that he is building a new house; where I, Noor Jan and his kids would dwell together. Noor Jan set up her mind to live with Ashfaq and his second wife for her childrens' sake. But, Ashfaq didn’t let us to live in his new built house. Years passed, but he didn’t look for once to us. He had become reckless for his children. Noor Jan and my Grand children are living together now at Rajpora. Ashfaq has three children-2daughters and a son from Jabeen also.The kids he had from Noor Jan didn’t go to school as he never paid a single penny for them. I couldn’t give them education; as I was striving to manage the bread and butter for family. Noor Jan wasn’t divorced, nor did she ask for that. She wanted to live with me and even I found a new purpose of my life to live for my grand children. Aamir, Rubeena and Rukhsana are my grandchildren. They are living with me. Aamir is the first child of Ashfaq and Noor Jan. He is feeding the family this time. He loves me very much; and I am now trying to see my Ashfaq in him.

Ashfaq is happy with Jabeen. His kids from Jabeen are studying in good school and they are living a good life. It is hapless kids of Noor Jan, whose happiness was snatched, not by any stranger, but by their father. They never went to any school. We have a small shed adjacent to his big house; but he never visits us. He never asks about his children. I ask God to forgive him for such injustice which he did to his children.

Son, if mother's womb gives a monster, it is still adorable. I have no hatred for my son. I will never have despair for him. I still love him as I would always do. My eyes are still looking for his arrival. My heart still wishes happiness for him. My mind still feels perturbed for him. I am a mother! I am a mother” tears trickled from her eyes and ended on wrinkled face, when she ended her agonizing tale.

These days, she has come to live with her cousin Wali Mohammad Mir to help him and her grandson Aamir, who is also staying there. Aamir is running a tea stall on Bund. Wali Mohammad treats Arba Begum like her sister and is very careful for her grandson. Wali Mohammad is an octogenarian who is working as a watchman for few shops near Lal chowk and earning his livelihood. He has taken a shelter there in the burnt houses, which are desolated for a long time at the Bund. He has managed to make two squalid sheds, where he accommodates five persons to live with him. Outside these small sheds, there was a stove, where Abra was helping Parveen for preparing food for the members of this merged family. Parveen is sister-in-law of Abra. She has a little kid Aabid. He was playing near the filthy surroundings outside. Her husband has died in a cross encounter between Militants and Paramilitary forces in Sopore. It seemed there that the hearts were filled with miseries and somehow, Abra is trying to aid the anguished souls.

When I  bid adieu to Abra Begum, a clear reflection indicated to me that she desires from every wayfarer to convey her longing to her son-Ashfaq Jan.